Grief

I spent the past weekend visiting one of¬†my oldest and dearest. I’ll spare you the details, but there was a lot of eating and drinking and laughing and shopping and A LOT of talking. A LOT. Therapy never felt so good. This chic, she is my soul sister. She is my rock. She knows it all…high school, college, twenty-something, thirties…she’s been there. Even my childhood, I think she’s heard all my stories. At some points we’ve been “closer” than others, talking more often, that sort of thing. We’ve gone months without speaking, just because, you know, life happens, but we always pick right back up where we left off. I don’t know that we’ve ever really had any “issues” or “fights”, we just get each other. It’s so easy with her because I don’t ever have to explain myself. And I can always just be myself. I’m telling you, everyone should get a Sarah. ūüôā

But there are other friends, I am a lucky girl. Lots of friends, old and new. Some have been around almost as long as me. Others are relatively new, in the same stage of life¬†right now. There are some friendships that have drifted apart, as life happened, and others that, despite distance and time, remain. Again, I am lucky, so very lucky. I am trying to “count” those who I hold closest and the list is embarrassingly long…so many wonderful, inspiring, amazing friends who have helped shape me, who’ve been there through the good times, the bad, and the mundane (which is a true testament to friendship!). For each, I hold a special memory (or two or three or ten…) and certain little things remind me of them, often at the most odd times. I cannot hear or see anything about Las Vegas without thinking of Carrie; lemon bars…Nathan; laughing so hard it hurts will always be attached to Adrianne;¬†for Cat it is Thanksgiving; Jonathan, my lover boy,…well, that list is long and some not so appropriate for a blog (ha!)…the list could go on for days. And every memory makes me happy, even when we have drifted apart, even when I don’t know exactly where they’ve ended up, I smile at the thought of all those people that have been a part of me.

Generally I take a positive outlook on things – if a relationship, whether that is romantic or friend or whatever, doesn’t work out, it was for the best. Maybe I¬†learned a thing or two, made some good memories, had some fun. I hold on to that and take comfort in what I¬†had, but I don’t dwell. I know I am who I am because of all that I’ve experienced, good and bad. I don’t really have regrets, because I wouldn’t be who or where I am without it all. Back to the friends – they each hold a special place, they’ve helped shape me, and even if we aren’t still in touch, I can look back positively. But I am struggling lately. I’ve lost a friend and this one hurts. I miss her. I miss us. The memories make me sad. I think of things I’m missing out on in her life and I wish I could be a part of them. I miss our talks. I’d like to spend a weekend with her too, but it seems that that time is over. And I’m grieving. Just like a death, I’ve lost a friendship and I’m moving through those annoyingly accurate stages of grief. I certainly did the denial thing for awhile and pretended it was just some “phase”. I’ve been angry a lot. In fact, I keep coming back to this particularly crappy stage. And I realized this weekend, as I shared so much with one best friend, that I was depressed about the other. This sadness keeps jumping back to anger, then sadness, then anger again. I think anger is my defense mechanism. (Yes, yet another thing I should probably work on.) I don’t know when I’ll get to acceptance. I assume it’s like an actual loss of life, it slowly moves further back into your mind, wearing a little spot to sit and stay. It likely won’t ever go completely away, but I’ll think about it less. I already do. Which makes me sad again. Things remind me of this friend, times we’ve shared, the good stuff. But this time it’s grayed a little, singed around the edges. And it sucks. Not the most beautiful description, but accurate nonetheless. This loss sucks. It’s hard. Part of me wants to just move on, part of me hopes I never fully do.

My therapist, I mean, my dear friend Sarah, shared this quote with me this weekend. I don’t know who wrote it (I’d love to give credit where credit is due) but it really hit home. It has allowed me to acknowledge my grief (isn’t that a critical first step?) and take the time I needed to talk about some things and to have a really good cry. Because the loss of a friendship is a loss of both an actual person and a little (or big) piece of yourself.

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So I’m going to grieve for awhile. To my other friends, so¬†many of you, please be a little more patient with me. To my husband, I’m sorry, you’ve already had to hear about this and you’re probably going to hear about it a little (lot) more. And to the one….I miss you, I’m sorry, and I will absolutely always love you.

 

 

 

 

#MomLife

4.5 years. That’s how long I’ve been saying “I’m going to start a blog!”. I wanted to, I had the desire. I had plenty of ideas¬†and¬†the¬†support of my husband &¬†friends. Maybe they were just being polite, but everyone I mentioned it to¬†said “you should totally start a blog!” and “I’d read it!”¬†(You better be reading it now, Friends! You know who you are!) So why did it take so long? I bet you already know the answer…

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Yep. Kids. Three of them to be exact. It’s all their fault. I mean, I guess you could say it’s our fault, my husband and I, for getting knocked up and all. But who knew that those adorable babies would be so damn cute you just had to hold them?!? Or that they’d want to be held ALL.THE.TIME. That they’d get older and crawl¬†and pull up on stuff and get into dangerous things?! ¬†Make messes, empty out the tupperware drawer the second you turned your back, eat rocks, try to shove things into the electrical outlets? Who knew they’d want you to play with them…and that you’d want to play too! That you could spend literally hours reading kids’ books…and enjoy it! That they could drive you absolutely insane and yet you’d still love them so much that you would literally do anything for them, even wipe their poop butts and gladly take their gooey boogers. Your life becomes¬†laundry and dishes and diapers and pretend and silly¬†songs and reading the same book 8 million times and baths and wiping away tears and trying to get them to sleep…who knew that they would NOT NAP!?!?!?!?!?????!!! Seriously, lets pause on that one, all joking aside. We all know kids are work and take time, but I assumed they’d sleep or nap or both. It’s sort of a biological necessity. Or not, as it turns out. #1 slept pretty well, as long as I let him fall asleep on me. Fine. First kid. Second did not nap more than 40 minutes at once the entire first year. And she is the world’s lightest sleeper, that’s super fun when her brother is only 17 months older. Third kid didn’t even come close to sleeping through the night until he was 18 months…and often work up screaming uncontrollably. Now add in the fact that I had three babies in three years…I was in a constant state of sleep deprivation for 4.5 years. FOUR AND A HALF YEARS, people! I am only just now beginning to feel human again. Which brings me back to the blog…

Yeah, so¬†here we are, the first blog post. I sort of hate that it’s a “mom” blog post, but the reality is, that’s my life right now. And I do love it, even the messy bits (and let’s be honest, it’s all messy, even the sweet kisses). I don’t plan on this being just a blog about kids or being a mom. I am a mom, yes, but I am so much more. I’m a friend, wife, and daughter too. I’m a neighbor (in the best neighborhood ever, more on that later) and I adore our old home and all the projects that go with its restoration and upkeep. I have hobbies (reading, craftiness, sewing, baking) and passions (the environment, public education, women’s rights, social activism…it’s a long list). So if you’re a little over the #momlife blogs, I get that. But stick with me, I think I have a little more to offer… ūüôā