I was all set to go to bed last night, excited to actually be turning off the light at a decent time for once. Laundry was caught up (miracle of miracles!), teeth were brushed, kids were peacefully sleeping. I decided, since it appeared that I’d be getting a good night’s sleep, to set my alarm so I could get a jump start on the day. Usually my dear, sweet, youngest son wakes me with his loud yells of “Momma!” and then it’s nonstop from there – it’d be nice, for once, to be functioning before the kids awoke. I set my alarm and was about to set my phone down when I realized I never checked that damn TimeHop app. You know, the one that shows you what pictures you took and what things you posted on social media on that same day in previous years. It’s so stupid and yet, I can’t give it up – what if I miss something!? I already forget so much, thank goodness I have an app to remind me.

Well, I don’t have to tell you what happened. Opened the evil app and there it was, pictures on my oldest two, two years ago, looking so little and so cute and so innocent. Mary still had her fatty fat baby arms with the rolls and Henry had the world’s most adorable cheeks. And I started to cry. It was almost instantaneous. Where had the time gone?!? What happened to the fat rolls and chubby cheeks? How could I have so easily forgotten this time in our lives, those baby faces? How did they get to be 3 1/2 and 5?!?! HOW THE HELL HAD SO MUCH TIME PASSED SO DAMN QUICKLY!?!??!

You know how the spiral goes, I don’t have to tell you. First you cry because you’ve forgotten things, then you cry because you don’t want to forget any more. Next you cry because you are crying and my God, what do you want, time to stop?! The alternative?!?! Of course you want them to grow up. But then you cry because they are growing up and you’ll forget this stage some day too and eventually you get to crying because you know they will someday fall in love and leave you and break your heart forever!!!!

I was a hot mess. Who am I kidding, I AM a hot mess.

Such is the life of a momma. The most heartbreaking and heartwarming thing you can ever imagine. But dear moms, my advice to you: DON’T CHECK TIMEHOP RIGHT BEFORE BED! That app is the devil for peaceful sleep.