I don’t even know what to say. Today sucked. It was bad. The baby slept terribly last night which meant I started out the day with a sleep deficit (and I need my sleep, this is something anyone who knows me knows to be true). My husband is out of town (for work) so that means getting up early, getting everyone dressed and fed and medicine taken (allergy for one, asthma for another) and teeth brushed and shoes on and bags packed and and and…it’s chaos. Or a race. Or both. I don’t know, it’s insane. Oh and don’t forget the baby, he needs to be changed and nursed at some point. And the dog. And myself, at least I need to brush teeth for the sake of the other people I will see. In any case, mornings when my husband is gone are especially difficult. Add in the very little sleep and, oh did I mention, it was the first day back to school after three weeks at home. Oy! It was rough.

But I did get the kids to school on time, with a healthy breakfast (homemade breakfast tacos with sausage, eggs, and cheese!). So go me! But then we got back and my toddler decided today was going to be an everything-is-wrong-no-matter-what-I-will-throw-a-fit kinda day. If you’ve ever been around a toddler for long, you know those days. He didn’t want his orange shoes to be orange (seriously). He wanted physics to not exist. He asked for an apple, got an apple, and then screamed because he didn’t want THAT apple. I could go on but I’m feeling insane again just thinking about all his fits. I tried to distract him, I tried to calm him, I tried humor and counting and food and bribery…nope. Today he was just going to be three. *sigh*

And the baby that didn’t sleep well last night? You guessed it, he didn’t nap well either. He wanted momma – which is fine, that’s my job and I’m glad I’m his comfort. But he wanted me as his pillow all day. Sitting down. That doesn’t work with a toddler. And he did that very lovely thing where he pooped himself awake every time I got him to sleep. What is that?! Why?!? I think evolution should have made pooping while asleep obsolete…it least if only to help preserve moms’ sanity. He was just needy and time-consuming (more so than a baby usually is) and off-schedule and just hard today. Which happens and is to be expected sometimes, but it still isn’t fun.

Now I will say there was one lovely moment this morning where we got out the watercolors (see previous post!) and that was good. But when the big kids got home, one threw an absolute fit because we did watercolors without them. WTF?! I can’t win! Which reminds me…both kids came home from school HANGRY. I mean, grumpy, whining puddles of low blood sugar. Of course it was time to feed the baby who was also hangry (and tired) and I had a horrid ten minutes of complete chaos and meltdowns because everyone needed me at the same time and about fifteen things needed done at the exact same moment and no one was hearing me because of the hangry problem and somehow, by some miracle, I did not yell and I held it together and I got it done. I was actually pretty proud (oh pride, you fool). But it drained me.

Did I mention that I accomplished pretty much nothing today? I had a list…a realistic list, I know what days are like with a toddler and baby…but I had a list nonetheless of things that sort of needed done. Pick up medicine at the pharmacy, quick grocery store stop for fruit and lunch stuff, respond to an email, etc. Not one thing happened. Nada. It just was one of those days, nothing was easy, nothing worked out. And that really stresses me. I try to let it go, I do, but I get great joy and satisfaction from crossing things off a list and accomplishing something. And I really like my life in order. (Bwhahaha! I should have never had kids then!) So on top of being tired and all, I felt sort of deafened too.

And then, ladies and gentleman, it got worse. I can’t explain it, I don’t know what happened, but everyone was melting and losing it and needing me at once and two kids were crying and there was homework stress and the baby WOULD NOT NAP and physics was still getting the best of the three year old and I spilled the whole vacuum canister all over the kitchen and I really should have started dinner but was missing an ingredient and my son didn’t hear me WHEN I WAS TWO FEET FROM HIM and I absolutely lost my shit. No, I didn’t just lose it. It exploded. I was like the toddler. I yelled and actually stomped my feet (repeatedly) and slammed a door and then I cried. Oh it’s so embarrassing to think about now. I threw a damn tantrum just like a toddler. And as I stood there crying into my hands at the kitchen counter, I heard my oldest comfort the baby and and my toddler actually stopped his own fit (ha! I finally succeeded in distracting him!) and my daughter wrapped her arms around my legs and told me it would be alright. And maybe I should feel guilty, but all I felt was pride and love. Well, and embarrassed. (And still tired).

After I calmed myself down (which happens pretty damn quickly when you realize your kids have just witnessed you act completely ridiculous), I gathered them all around for big hugs and I apologized for my behavior. They all assured me, unprompted, that they understood and each gave me advice for how to calm down. 🙂 It was very sweet and made me feel that, even if I totally failed today, I was doing something right overall. Even adults have emotions, big ones, and while I wish I could have handled myself differently, I think it’s a valuable lesson for kids to know that adults are people too. And to see me having the same struggles they do. We talked a lot about what I could have done differently at dinner (random leftovers, I had given up by then) and it was a great learning opportunity for them all.

I’m not exactly sure why I typed this all out, maybe mostly as therapy for myself. But I also think it’s important for us, as parents, to share these sorts of things. This isn’t what we see on social media – at best, we see a funny hashtag like #momfail or a picture of a kid with the flour they’ve spilled all over. We make it funny. But this is real life and it’s not always cute or funny or Instagram perfect – and that’s ok. No, it isn’t ideal to lose it completely, I don’t recommend it as a parenting style, but it is going to happen and in fact it happens to us all at some point and it doesn’t mean we are bad or scarring our kids for life and we shouldn’t hide it. If anything, I probably would have been a lot better off venting to a friend earlier in the day.

And you know, as tough as today was, we are all healthy and we have a roof over our heads and it could all be a lot worse. Of course, it could have been better too, but hey, you win some, you lose some. I’m going to bed now and I will take any good thoughts, positive vibes, prayers, or even voodoo dances (if that’s a thing) that we all get some good sleep. It’s amazing what sleep can do…and what lack of sleep can do!

Oh, and one more thing….this gem came out of today…. 😍😍😍

“Momma! Momma, take our picture! Take a picture of Frankie and his big brother!” ❤️