The hardest thing about motherhood…

Oh the mind of a momma!

My first baby, who is almost seven, needs to have his tonsils and adenoids removed. This is NOT news – we knew this day was coming for years. The kid has snored since day 1, has severe allergies (and now asthma), and we’ve been seeing an ENT for several years. His ENT, allergist, and dentist – all of whom we love and trust – have said this needs to happen. His tonsils are huge. His adenoids are huge. He can’t breathe. I’ve researched (too much!). We’ve exhausted other options like allergy meds, allergy shots, daily steroids (which I hate). I’ve tried to find a balance between helping my kid feel better and not undertaking any unneccesary risks. But this is needed, required, for his health and comfort.

So why am I feeling so conflicted about this decision?! Why am I so worried?!

I generally don’t worry needlessly. I like facts and stats. I smuggly judge (honest confession here) those that fear flying but not driving – don’t they know the odds?!? I’ve researched this surgery, and our doctor. I know my worrying is silly. I know the stats. But stats and facts don’t erase the fact that this surgery is happening to MY BABY BOY! That my little boy (because he’s still little to me) will be operated on while under anesthesia. I’m worried for him. I KNOW he needs this and it will ultimately make him feel better, but I feel so sad that to make him better, he first has to endure some pain. And fear. Although, admittedly, I’m more scared than he is…he is super excited to get to eat ice cream after and has already requested various flavors of homemade milkshake. And I know he’s brave…the kid willingly sits down for three allergy shots every week and doesn’t even flinch.

Being a momma is hard for many reasons.  But, for me, the single hardest part is making these decisions for your kids. Sometimes I feel virtually paralyzed at the decision making, particularly with regards to health: Doctor A or Doctor B? Antibiotics for that ear or give it a day? The inhaled steroids or the surgery? Fluoride toothpaste or no? Of course, I want to do what is best for my kids and, per my usual, I research and fact find and sometimes that is enough, it’s cut and dry.  The kid needs an inhaler during an asthma attack! Clear cut! Easy! But often times it isn’t so black and white, there are so many little things to consider and balance, pros and cons that aren’t evenly weighted. Those are the decisions I agonize over, afraid to make the wrong choice. I know I’m not alone in this, and yet, it does seem like a lonely mental game.

In this case, I am positive that a tonsillectomy and adenoidectomy is the right choice for my son. I really have no doubts about this decision itself…although I do still worry about my kid. That’s just part of this mom gig. And it’s a price I am more than willing to pay…because this kid, and his siblings, are worth every agonizing decision, every worry, every gray hair.

Now if only they can sedate me during this process too…


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